Tagged: VR

duckface

Facebook Overhauls Internal Servers To Accommodate Surge of 3D Duckface Data

In a filing with the SEC, Facebook revealed it plans to take a significant one-time operating loss as it “significantly revamps” its internal systems in preparation for the launch of its newest acquisition, the Oculus Rift virtual reality headset.

“Facebook is already the world’s most popular tool for sharing too much about your own life, but people are going to love oversharing more than ever when they can do it in stereoscopic 3D, ” CEO Mark Zuckerberg said in a statement.

“On a daily basis, we process a huge amount of data. A lot of that data comes from selfies. Girls in particular love the selfie, and one of the most common selfies is the duckface. You take a duckface photo on a camera, it’s a small image file. But take one in the Rift, and you want to share everything with people so they can actually download your selfie as a navigable experience. We’re not currently equipped to pump out accurate, real-time renders of the small, minute curves of comically puckered lips for millions of users daily.”

Zuck said the added processing power should help render things other than lips: “If you take a photo of your ass in yoga pants after a workout, or your biceps, our current server-side GPUs are going to absolutely crush the blacks. People may well believe you’re wearing faded, knock-off Lululemons or Tapout gear even though you shelled out for the real thing. So you can see, these upgrades are crucial: Nobody said reaching the future would be easy or cheap.”

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seinfeldindie

Yet Another Indie Game About Nothing

AAA development has been plagued for years by subpar licensed projects that serve only to cash in on their host franchises. The indie market is currently saturated with games that have no compelling mechanics, no engrossing story, no reason for existing. These things suck on their own, but what if you could combine two awful scourges into a fetid apocalypse of terrible; a sort of synergistic, transmedia peanut butter and chocolate dribbling straight from Satan’s shit dispenser?

One graphic artist is aiming to do just that with Jerry’s Place VR, a downloadable first-person walking simulator set inside Jerry’s apartment from Seinfeld. Subtle Blend is currently investigating reports that the title’s “real” plot involves finding notes from George Costanza hidden around the apartment, in which Seinfeld’s best friend confesses his struggles with his latent homosexuality. Read one leaked diary: “A man gave me a massage. He was touching and rubbing. I took my pants off. He got about 4 inches from there. I think it moved.

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Holodeck

New Videogame Allows Ben Kuchera to Grow Tits

Dudes, what would you do if you could inhabit the body of a woman for a day? If you answered anything but “gawk/poke at my own ladybits,” you’re a liar. Luckily, hardware exists to bring this Xanadu one step closer to reality: For only slightly more than the cost of taping water balloons under your shirt ($1370 to be exact), the folks at BeAnotherLab can let you pretend to have boobs. Ben Kuchera takes the thing for a spin in this report, leading one to wonder if, having finally touched one for “real,” Ben still thinks boobs feel like PS4 controllers.

Naturally, Polygon frames this glorified, primitive sex simulator as a more high-minded opportunity to “experience” the lives of other people in order to better empathize with them, or treat gender dysphoria. (An anonymous representative responds: “Polygon is mandated to mention gender issues a given number of times per week, lest Arthur Gies come forth to eat the heart of a small child. It happened before. Twice, I think. It wasn’t pretty. Alexa cried, and she’s an ugly crier.”)

Alas, the road to the holodeck isn’t a cheap one, and project spokesperson Philipe Bertrand mentions he is “looking for partners in the scientific or art world to help with taking the next steps, and of course funding is a part of that process,” which is industry speak for “trying to drum up a bidding war between Vivid, Wicked, Playboy and Brazzers.”

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