“Using the power of the Kinect, Macklemore will bring his signature blend of weaksauce rhymes and whitebread style to the world of multiplayer,” Microsoft spokesman Larry “Major Nelson” Hryb said in a statement.
Rather than add Macklemore’s voice to matches, Hryb explained that Microsoft views the free add-on as a way to greatly reduce offensive behavior on its Xbox Live service. “If the Kinect detects a user engaging in hate speech during play, the Xbox will automatically begin to play ‘Ball Till Ya Titanfall (Until All Are Equal),’ the exclusive track Macklemore recorded for us, in which he explores the social inequality issues that may arise during a round of team deathmatch.”
“The song is awful,” Hryb clarified. “How this guy won a Grammy is beyond me, but that’s the world we live in. The punishment will be tiered, so first offenders will only be subjected to the first 30 seconds, whereas a habitual troll will eventually be forced to listen to the entire 27:00 track. Again, it’s really bad. We expect our digital streets to be cleaned up pretty fast once word gets around.”
But Microsoft isn’t relying on price drops alone. When the Titanfall bundle was released, the company sent out cardboard sleeves and easily insertable vouchers to “convert” old stock. Starting next week, retailers will have something new to place inside: Golden Tickets!
“This new sweepstakes is a magical adventure,” Microsoft spokesperson Larry “Major Nelson” Hryb told Subtle Blend. “Five lucky Xbox One owners will find themselves whisked away to a whimsical tour of the Foxconn factory where next-generation, always-connected, all-in-one entertainment comes to life!”
But wait, there’s more: “(Foxconn chairman) Terry Gou is looking to retire, but he needs people to carry on the legacy. For that reason, one lucky winner is going to get his or her very own Foxconn plant to run. But if you’re not the one, don’t fret: All contest winners will get their very own official Foxconn suicide prevention net to commemorate this very special occasion.”
Hryb also cautioned: “Winners should be careful not to touch anything on the tour, or Oompa Loom– I mean, Foxconn technicians, will sweep them away to work the assembly lines. Legal was kind of iffy about that one at first, but turns out this kind of thing is totally legal in China. So, yeah, it’s in the contest bylaws.”
After a pair of two-week delays, Microsoft has made the decision to delay the Xbox 360 port of Titanfall until December 26th, the first day of Kwanzaa. In a press release, Xbox spokesperson Larry “Major Nelson” Hryb explained the reasoning behind the delay:
“At Microsoft, we’re always looking for ways to form new relationships with key partners whose brands are synergistic with our own. That’s why we’re proud to welcome Dr. Maulana Karenga to the Xbox family of brand ambassadors.
We’re overjoyed to announce that Titanfall will arrive on the Xbox 360 on December 26th, 2014, right in time for the start of Kwanzaa. We here at Microsoft can think of no better way to launch a third-rate port nobody cares about, of a game conceived for a third-rate console nobody cares about, than by launching on a third-rate holiday nobody cares about.”
In the meantime, Hryb encouraged gamers to check the official Kwanzaa website for updates. “The official Kwanzaa website is the perfect companion to gaming on Xbox One. It has very little in the way of graphics or video content. It’s mostly text, on a layout ripped from a 90s Geocites page. In other words, it’s been perfectly optimized for the Xbox One system architecture.”