Tagged: SJW

sessler

Sessler Quits, Realizes Actual Whoring Pays Better

This just in: Veteran game journalist Adam Sessler leaves an industry that literally caused him to have a mental breakdown (and probably a cocaine addiction).

The story is still breaking, but an anonymous source close to the situation shared the following with Subtle Blend: “Adam realized he was really great at whoring for these companies over the years at Rev3 and TechTV/G4; as such, he decided that he could do better going into business for himself on the streets. Fact is, actual whoring pays better, and if you’ve got the right stuff, your clients will keep you awash in coke and next-gen consoles for the rest of your life. Perks of the job.”

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me3end

GDC 14: “Social Advocacy Can Get Us Out of Having to Make Good Games”

A Mass Effect 3 designer is helping the industry understand how social justice advocacy can help reduce the skyrocketing costs of AAA development by insulating games against criticism.

“Mass Effect 3 came under a lot of scrutiny,” Manveer Heir conceded, during a speech at GDC 14. “Gamers complained they sunk almost $200 into this narrative over three games, and then we dropped the ball by not giving them a satisfying resolution. They said our endings were exactly the same and ultimately resolved nothing.”

Manveer got a standing ovation lasting almost two minutes from a room of overworked game developers who came out in support of reducing the stress of big game development. Manveer’s proposed method? Immunize their work from criticism by linking game narratives with social justice positions only a “complete stinkfist” could disagree with.

“In Mass Effect 3, the ending was pick A for red, pick B for blue, C for green, and watch the same cutscene no matter what. The Internet bullied us for that. What if we could have reduced budget costs and crunch time by linking the ending of Mass Effect 3 to Commander Shephard’s experiences as a bisexual post-op transgendered person of color in a racist, bigoted galaxy much like modern-day America? I can tell you, if we did that, not one of you would have had to work a single hour of overtime during crunch, because the actual quality of the game wouldn’t have mattered. Nobody would have said shit. As an industry, we have to start doing this, because my wife told me if I miss one more anniversary because I have to make sure headshot physics work right before a ship date, she’s leaving me. I like my wife, so let’s give this a shot.”

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Holodeck

New Videogame Allows Ben Kuchera to Grow Tits

Dudes, what would you do if you could inhabit the body of a woman for a day? If you answered anything but “gawk/poke at my own ladybits,” you’re a liar. Luckily, hardware exists to bring this Xanadu one step closer to reality: For only slightly more than the cost of taping water balloons under your shirt ($1370 to be exact), the folks at BeAnotherLab can let you pretend to have boobs. Ben Kuchera takes the thing for a spin in this report, leading one to wonder if, having finally touched one for “real,”¬†Ben still thinks boobs feel like PS4 controllers.

Naturally, Polygon frames this glorified, primitive sex simulator as a more high-minded opportunity to “experience” the lives of other people in order to better empathize with them, or treat gender dysphoria. (An anonymous representative responds: “Polygon is mandated to mention gender issues a given number of times per week, lest Arthur Gies come forth to eat the heart of a small child. It happened before. Twice, I think. It wasn’t pretty. Alexa cried, and she’s an ugly crier.”)

Alas, the road to the holodeck isn’t a cheap one, and project spokesperson Philipe Bertrand¬†mentions he is “looking for partners in the scientific or art world to help with taking the next steps, and of course funding is a part of that process,” which is industry speak for “trying to drum up a bidding war between Vivid, Wicked, Playboy and Brazzers.”

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hmnotalk

No More “Conversations”

For all the trendy buzzwords the games journalism cabal enjoys repeating in a never-ending, desperate attempt to establish the Heisenberg-like purity of its high-minded progressivism, there is one which has risen to be a sort of warning bell for those who would rather not grant the frauds the satisfaction of their audience: Conversation.

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