Tagged: Satire

Kwanzaa? Drop a Titan on it!

After a pair of two-week delays, Microsoft has made the decision to delay the Xbox 360 port of Titanfall until December 26th, the first day of Kwanzaa. In a press release, Xbox spokesperson Larry “Major Nelson” Hryb explained the reasoning behind the delay:

“At Microsoft, we’re always looking for ways to form new relationships with key partners whose brands are synergistic with our own. That’s why we’re proud to welcome Dr. Maulana Karenga to the Xbox family of brand ambassadors.

We’re overjoyed to announce that Titanfall will arrive on the Xbox 360 on December 26th, 2014, right in time for the start of Kwanzaa. We here at Microsoft can think of no better way to launch a third-rate port nobody cares about, of a game conceived for a third-rate console nobody cares about, than by launching on a third-rate holiday nobody cares about.”

In the meantime, Hryb encouraged gamers to check the official Kwanzaa website for updates. “The official Kwanzaa website is the perfect companion to gaming on Xbox One. It has very little in the way of graphics or video content. It’s mostly text, on a layout ripped from a 90s Geocites page. In other words, it’s been perfectly optimized for the Xbox One system architecture.”

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Microsoft: “Who The Fuck Bought an Xbone at Launch?”

With Walmart’s price drop on the Xbox One/Titanfall bundle to $450, Microsoft’s next-gen platform and its biggest title can now effectively be had for $10 less than a PS4 with a game. Some early adopters who bought the 4-month old console in anticipation of Titanfall aren’t happy that their brand loyalty cost them $110. We reached out to Microsoft for clarification.

“Who the fuck bought an Xbone at launch?” one anonymous, high-ranking executive responded. “Seriously, who even does that? The thing has half the power of a PS4, costs more, and there’s an always-on camera hardwired to the NSA. I work at Microsoft and I wouldn’t put one of the fucking things in my home. You know *******? In the Windows division? He had an Xbox One. Goddamned Kinect accidentally broadcast him doing lines off an escort’s sweater puffs. His sister-in-law’s kid saw it happen on a Twitch stream, now the bitch is taking his house. That place cost three million dollars, so don’t whine to me about $110.”

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Sarkeesian Fucks Nobody, GDC Voters Demand Recall Vote

Many celebrated Wednesday as Anita Sarkeesian received the GDC Ambassador Award for her Tropes vs. Women series. But as the gala fades into memory, a dark cloud of scandal threatens to overshadow the proceedings: Subtle Blend has spoken to an anonymous male developer who says he successfully lobbied many other male developers to vote for Sarkeesian.

The controversy: Were these votes cast in hopes of a payoff that never, shall we say, came?

“I did some serious horse trading for her,” said our source. “A lot of the guys didn’t want to vote for her because she hates the medium that keeps food on their tables. At first, I felt the same way. But then I got to thinking: A lot of these guys, it’s been so long since they’ve had a woman willing to have sex with them that they’ve sort of subconsciously placed the concept on the same tier as Malaysian airplanes: Intellectually, they know they have to be out there. But finding them? Can’t be done. So yeah, I voted for her. I was trying to get us all laid.”

Our source continued: “I figured that if we all voted for her as a way to show our support for everything she says, even when the stuff she says is demonstrably false, there’s no way she wouldn’t fuck us all. I mean, okay, at the least, I’m thinking handjobs all around.”

Not everyone was on board with our source’s plan, though. One professional artist our source approached was disgusted with the idea of voting for a woman who has lifted other people’s work without credit or compensation for inclusion in a six-figure project. Explains our source, “There was this one dude, he was actually kind of down on the whole idea. He’s like, ‘Anita outright steals the work other people do and takes credit for it. How can you sleep at night after lobbying for her?’ and I’m like, ‘Dude, are you going to suck my dick?’ That shut him up pretty fast, though he’s not returning my calls anymore. Loser.”

But after the award was handed out onstage, something happened: Anita Sarkeesian left the venue without so much as watching a single game developer that had voted for her jerk off. Needless to say, there was outrage: “I’ve talked to the guys, we’re going to demand a recall. That’s what happens when a politician breaks his implied promises, and that’s what we’re going to do. In the end, the power of the people will overcome, because an injustice anywhere is an injustice everywhere, and my balls are dangerously full of injustice right now. Seriously, it hurts. I think I need a doctor.”

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GDC 14: “Social Advocacy Can Get Us Out of Having to Make Good Games”

A Mass Effect 3 designer is helping the industry understand how social justice advocacy can help reduce the skyrocketing costs of AAA development by insulating games against criticism.

“Mass Effect 3 came under a lot of scrutiny,” Manveer Heir conceded, during a speech at GDC 14. “Gamers complained they sunk almost $200 into this narrative over three games, and then we dropped the ball by not giving them a satisfying resolution. They said our endings were exactly the same and ultimately resolved nothing.”

Manveer got a standing ovation lasting almost two minutes from a room of overworked game developers who came out in support of reducing the stress of big game development. Manveer’s proposed method? Immunize their work from criticism by linking game narratives with social justice positions only a “complete stinkfist” could disagree with.

“In Mass Effect 3, the ending was pick A for red, pick B for blue, C for green, and watch the same cutscene no matter what. The Internet bullied us for that. What if we could have reduced budget costs and crunch time by linking the ending of Mass Effect 3 to Commander Shephard’s experiences as a bisexual post-op transgendered person of color in a racist, bigoted galaxy much like modern-day America? I can tell you, if we did that, not one of you would have had to work a single hour of overtime during crunch, because the actual quality of the game wouldn’t have mattered. Nobody would have said shit. As an industry, we have to start doing this, because my wife told me if I miss one more anniversary because I have to make sure headshot physics work right before a ship date, she’s leaving me. I like my wife, so let’s give this a shot.”

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