Tagged: polygon

polygon

Polygon Starts #750000reasonstobe Initiative

To better combine its position as a steadfast defender of Microsoft with its obsession to link social issues with gaming, Polygon has announced it will embed a senior editor with Microsoft’s gaming division for a whole year as part of its #750000reasonstobe campaign.

“A lot of gamers look at Playstation 4 and only see that they get significantly better hardware and a bunch of monthly free games and discounts with a multiplayer subscription,” Polygon’s Arthur Gies told Subtle Blend.

“As usual, gamers are looking at things through the perspective of their own privilege. They only consider that Sony’s value proposition is objectively better than Microsoft’s. They don’t think about all the people who dedicated years of their lives to work on this device. There probably were at least a few women and minorities on the Xbox One team, but gamers don’t think about that either. They just want the system that has better games and more power at a lower cost. Gaming culture is disgusting. It has a giant empathy problem.”

To change this state of affairs, Polygon will send features editor Russ Pitts to Redmond for a whole year to tell the “human story” of Microsoft’s failing console. (Full disclosure: Pitts doesn’t like us very much.) “Very few writers use more words per article than Russ Pitts,” Gies told us. “He’s great like that. You could ask the man to write a grocery list, and he’d find a way to make it 2000 words long, plus make eggs and cheese into a metaphor about the sexual awakening of young girls.”

As our chat came to an end, Gies contended that gaming culture needed to consider all the good Microsoft has done when selecting their next-gen console. “As you know, Microsoft gave us $750,000 in start-up money so we could make a movie about ourselves. When the Xbox One came out, I made sure we gave it a higher score than the PS4, and Microsoft gave me a house in NYC. Gamers want to shit on that, but I’d ask them what they’ve ever contributed. Have they ever bought a house or funded a movie for someone? Didn’t think so.”

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Holodeck

New Videogame Allows Ben Kuchera to Grow Tits

Dudes, what would you do if you could inhabit the body of a woman for a day? If you answered anything but “gawk/poke at my own ladybits,” you’re a liar. Luckily, hardware exists to bring this Xanadu one step closer to reality: For only slightly more than the cost of taping water balloons under your shirt ($1370 to be exact), the folks at BeAnotherLab can let you pretend to have boobs. Ben Kuchera takes the thing for a spin in this report, leading one to wonder if, having finally touched one for “real,” Ben still thinks boobs feel like PS4 controllers.

Naturally, Polygon frames this glorified, primitive sex simulator as a more high-minded opportunity to “experience” the lives of other people in order to better empathize with them, or treat gender dysphoria. (An anonymous representative responds: “Polygon is mandated to mention gender issues a given number of times per week, lest Arthur Gies come forth to eat the heart of a small child. It happened before. Twice, I think. It wasn’t pretty. Alexa cried, and she’s an ugly crier.”)

Alas, the road to the holodeck isn’t a cheap one, and project spokesperson Philipe Bertrand mentions he is “looking for partners in the scientific or art world to help with taking the next steps, and of course funding is a part of that process,” which is industry speak for “trying to drum up a bidding war between Vivid, Wicked, Playboy and Brazzers.”

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