duckface

Facebook Overhauls Internal Servers To Accommodate Surge of 3D Duckface Data

In a filing with the SEC, Facebook revealed it plans to take a significant one-time operating loss as it “significantly revamps” its internal systems in preparation for the launch of its newest acquisition, the Oculus Rift virtual reality headset.

“Facebook is already the world’s most popular tool for sharing too much about your own life, but people are going to love oversharing more than ever when they can do it in stereoscopic 3D, ” CEO Mark Zuckerberg said in a statement.

“On a daily basis, we process a huge amount of data. A lot of that data comes from selfies. Girls in particular love the selfie, and one of the most common selfies is the duckface. You take a duckface photo on a camera, it’s a small image file. But take one in the Rift, and you want to share everything with people so they can actually download your selfie as a navigable experience. We’re not currently equipped to pump out accurate, real-time renders of the small, minute curves of comically puckered lips for millions of users daily.”

Zuck said the added processing power should help render things other than lips: “If you take a photo of your ass in yoga pants after a workout, or your biceps, our current server-side GPUs are going to absolutely crush the blacks. People may well believe you’re wearing faded, knock-off Lululemons or Tapout gear even though you shelled out for the real thing. So you can see, these upgrades are crucial: Nobody said reaching the future would be easy or cheap.”

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Romero, Mercier’s Club Visit Reveals ALL Men Are Skeezy, Not Just Game Devs

Veteran game industry professionals Brenda Romero and Alice Mercier admit they might have made some erroneous conclusions about the nature of men in the games industry, the women told Subtle Blend over the weekend.

“I went clubbing on Friday and took Brenda as my wingman,” Mercier said. “I’m coming off a pretty brutal divorce and I wanted to get my twerk on. Anyway, the place ended up being a bit of a meat market. Neither of us had been to a place like that in a while, so it was sort of surprising how many disgusting things dudes said to us. By the end of the night, we both kind of had this horrible realization that getting embarrassing come-ons from douchebags can happen anywhere. It has nothing to do with video games and it doesn’t rise to the level of sexual harassment.”

Mercier said her experience led to second thoughts about an earlier incident that led to the resignation of Indiestatik founder Josh Mattingly after he clumsily, crudely hit on the recent divorcee in a private Facebook conversation. (“Alice Mercier” is an alias used by the unidentified woman to speak to the games press about the incident.)

“Like, when Josh flat out told me he wanted to kiss my vagina, I was pissed and ready to sue Indiestatik to make sure this never happened to any woman ever again,” Mercier said. “It took me a while, but I’ve finally realized there’s no actual recourse to this, because we don’t work together, and Josh doesn’t have any kind of authority over me. He was just this sad son of a bitch who doesn’t know how to hit on chicks without being a skeez.”

At last week’s Game Developers Conference, Brenda Romero made an impassioned speech about an incident where an unnamed developer from a different company allegedly drew Romero’s attention to the outline of his erection while the two shared a drink at a trade show. Like Mercier, she’s beginning to consider games culture may be an extraneous, unrelated variable in the equation: “I spend a lot of time on Tumblr and Twitter looking at what my fellow Strong Female Games Professionals say about men in this industry, so I kind of lost sight of the fact that this behavior isn’t directly linked to video games in any way.”

Romero continued: “A guy who buys you one drink then points at his dick is half a fuckin’ social retard, whether it be at a trade show or a shitty dance club infested with college kids. It sucks, but unless the dude is your boss or a coworker, you turn him down with extreme prejudice and move on. You don’t have to run to the press about it.”

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Adam Orth Rents Moscone Center For Follow-Up Speech

As Game Developers Conference 2014 ends, the Moscone Center in San Francisco has already been booked for its next event: Former Microsoft creative director Adam Orth will give a follow-up talk in which he hopes to “clarify a few things” in light of some of the initial reporting on his GDC talk.

“Basically, I failed to emphasize a few really important points in my GDC speech about the online harassment I experienced when I was still working for Xbox,” Orth said by phone.

“The games press is great, they take the side of us developers on most things because a lot of them really, really, really want to be devs themselves. But as a result of that, some articles kind of spun things to where I was the victim in all of this, even though I basically told millions of our potential Xbox customers that they weren’t actually people because they didn’t live in an expensive city with FiOS Internet in every appliance.”

Orth continued, “I wasn’t professional. I was a huge, toxic cunt. Like, gaping huge and Chernobyl toxic. Even by the code of the playground, I started it. In that spirit, I’m going to hold an hour-long event after my talk. During this time, anyone I’ve hurt can come by and give me a wedgie. I hope that the games media will cover my event to help begin heal any wounds I inflicted.”

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kiai

Dominique Pamplemousse Dev Wants Misogyny to Be More Inclusive

In a clear case of “life imitates art,” where “art” means “satirical posts on Subtle Blend dot com,” Dominique Pamplemousse creator Deirdra Kiai proposed that if straight white men are going to continue to systematically oppress Strong Female Game Developers, the least they could do is hit Deirdra Kiai up for her digits.

“I hate how people who aren’t straight white cisgender men are treated in the game industry. I hate that so many women can’t come to a professional event without getting hit on by some creepy dude… and I hate that it never, ever happens to me. I mean, who even thinks this? Shouldn’t I feel happy that I’m not getting hit on? No, I feel like shit. I start to wonder, what’s wrong with me? I clearly don’t look manly or bearded or stubbly enough, so I don’t get to be treated like a real human, but I’m also not hot enough for any of their creepy attention. I’m like invisible or something.”

Not much more to add to this one, just please note the intentional lack of a “satire” tag, as this is something someone actually said during a panel focused on how straight white males ruin everything with sexism.

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Microsoft “Golden Ticket” Sweepstakes Offers Chance To Tour Foxconn Xbox One Factory

As Xbox One sales lag behind Sony’s Playstation 4, retailers are doing everything they can to move units of Microsoft’s next-gen console. Some retailers have already bundled Respawn Entertainment’s flagship shooter Titanfall with the system for $450, effectively resulting in a $110 price drop after just 4 months on the market.

But Microsoft isn’t relying on price drops alone. When the Titanfall bundle was released, the company sent out cardboard sleeves and easily insertable vouchers to “convert” old stock. Starting next week, retailers will have something new to place inside: Golden Tickets!

“This new sweepstakes is a magical adventure,” Microsoft spokesperson Larry “Major Nelson” Hryb told Subtle Blend. “Five lucky Xbox One owners will find themselves whisked away to a whimsical tour of the Foxconn factory where next-generation, always-connected, all-in-one entertainment comes to life!”

But wait, there’s more: “(Foxconn chairman) Terry Gou is looking to retire, but he needs people to carry on the legacy. For that reason, one lucky winner is going to get his or her very own Foxconn plant to run. But if you’re not the one, don’t fret: All contest winners will get their very own official Foxconn suicide prevention net to commemorate this very special occasion.”

Hryb also cautioned: “Winners should be careful not to touch anything on the tour, or Oompa Loom– I mean, Foxconn technicians, will sweep them away to work the assembly lines. Legal was kind of iffy about that one at first, but turns out this kind of thing is totally legal in China. So, yeah, it’s in the contest bylaws.”

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Kwanzaa? Drop a Titan on it!

After a pair of two-week delays, Microsoft has made the decision to delay the Xbox 360 port of Titanfall until December 26th, the first day of Kwanzaa. In a press release, Xbox spokesperson Larry “Major Nelson” Hryb explained the reasoning behind the delay:

“At Microsoft, we’re always looking for ways to form new relationships with key partners whose brands are synergistic with our own. That’s why we’re proud to welcome Dr. Maulana Karenga to the Xbox family of brand ambassadors.

We’re overjoyed to announce that Titanfall will arrive on the Xbox 360 on December 26th, 2014, right in time for the start of Kwanzaa. We here at Microsoft can think of no better way to launch a third-rate port nobody cares about, of a game conceived for a third-rate console nobody cares about, than by launching on a third-rate holiday nobody cares about.”

In the meantime, Hryb encouraged gamers to check the official Kwanzaa website for updates. “The official Kwanzaa website is the perfect companion to gaming on Xbox One. It has very little in the way of graphics or video content. It’s mostly text, on a layout ripped from a 90s Geocites page. In other words, it’s been perfectly optimized for the Xbox One system architecture.”

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Microsoft: “Who The Fuck Bought an Xbone at Launch?”

With Walmart’s price drop on the Xbox One/Titanfall bundle to $450, Microsoft’s next-gen platform and its biggest title can now effectively be had for $10 less than a PS4 with a game. Some early adopters who bought the 4-month old console in anticipation of Titanfall aren’t happy that their brand loyalty cost them $110. We reached out to Microsoft for clarification.

“Who the fuck bought an Xbone at launch?” one anonymous, high-ranking executive responded. “Seriously, who even does that? The thing has half the power of a PS4, costs more, and there’s an always-on camera hardwired to the NSA. I work at Microsoft and I wouldn’t put one of the fucking things in my home. You know *******? In the Windows division? He had an Xbox One. Goddamned Kinect accidentally broadcast him doing lines off an escort’s sweater puffs. His sister-in-law’s kid saw it happen on a Twitch stream, now the bitch is taking his house. That place cost three million dollars, so don’t whine to me about $110.”

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Sarkeesian Fucks Nobody, GDC Voters Demand Recall Vote

Many celebrated Wednesday as Anita Sarkeesian received the GDC Ambassador Award for her Tropes vs. Women series. But as the gala fades into memory, a dark cloud of scandal threatens to overshadow the proceedings: Subtle Blend has spoken to an anonymous male developer who says he successfully lobbied many other male developers to vote for Sarkeesian.

The controversy: Were these votes cast in hopes of a payoff that never, shall we say, came?

“I did some serious horse trading for her,” said our source. “A lot of the guys didn’t want to vote for her because she hates the medium that keeps food on their tables. At first, I felt the same way. But then I got to thinking: A lot of these guys, it’s been so long since they’ve had a woman willing to have sex with them that they’ve sort of subconsciously placed the concept on the same tier as Malaysian airplanes: Intellectually, they know they have to be out there. But finding them? Can’t be done. So yeah, I voted for her. I was trying to get us all laid.”

Our source continued: “I figured that if we all voted for her as a way to show our support for everything she says, even when the stuff she says is demonstrably false, there’s no way she wouldn’t fuck us all. I mean, okay, at the least, I’m thinking handjobs all around.”

Not everyone was on board with our source’s plan, though. One professional artist our source approached was disgusted with the idea of voting for a woman who has lifted other people’s work without credit or compensation for inclusion in a six-figure project. Explains our source, “There was this one dude, he was actually kind of down on the whole idea. He’s like, ‘Anita outright steals the work other people do and takes credit for it. How can you sleep at night after lobbying for her?’ and I’m like, ‘Dude, are you going to suck my dick?’ That shut him up pretty fast, though he’s not returning my calls anymore. Loser.”

But after the award was handed out onstage, something happened: Anita Sarkeesian left the venue without so much as watching a single game developer that had voted for her jerk off. Needless to say, there was outrage: “I’ve talked to the guys, we’re going to demand a recall. That’s what happens when a politician breaks his implied promises, and that’s what we’re going to do. In the end, the power of the people will overcome, because an injustice anywhere is an injustice everywhere, and my balls are dangerously full of injustice right now. Seriously, it hurts. I think I need a doctor.”

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