Facebook Overhauls Internal Servers To Accommodate Surge of 3D Duckface Data

In a filing with the SEC, Facebook revealed it plans to take a significant one-time operating loss as it “significantly revamps” its internal systems in preparation for the launch of its newest acquisition, the Oculus Rift virtual reality headset.

“Facebook is already the world’s most popular tool for sharing too much about your own life, but people are going to love oversharing more than ever when they can do it in stereoscopic 3D, ” CEO Mark Zuckerberg said in a statement.

“On a daily basis, we process a huge amount of data. A lot of that data comes from selfies. Girls in particular love the selfie, and one of the most common selfies is the duckface. You take a duckface photo on a camera, it’s a small image file. But take one in the Rift, and you want to share everything with people so they can actually download your selfie as a navigable experience. We’re not currently equipped to pump out accurate, real-time renders of the small, minute curves of comically puckered lips for millions of users daily.”

Zuck said the added processing power should help render things other than lips: “If you take a photo of your ass in yoga pants after a workout, or your biceps, our current server-side GPUs are going to absolutely crush the blacks. People may well believe you’re wearing faded, knock-off Lululemons or Tapout gear even though you shelled out for the real thing. So you can see, these upgrades are crucial: Nobody said reaching the future would be easy or cheap.”

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