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Sarkeesian Fucks Nobody, GDC Voters Demand Recall Vote

Many celebrated Wednesday as Anita Sarkeesian received the GDC Ambassador Award for her Tropes vs. Women series. But as the gala fades into memory, a dark cloud of scandal threatens to overshadow the proceedings: Subtle Blend has spoken to an anonymous male developer who says he successfully lobbied many other male developers to vote for Sarkeesian.

The controversy: Were these votes cast in hopes of a payoff that never, shall we say, came?

“I did some serious horse trading for her,” said our source. “A lot of the guys didn’t want to vote for her because she hates the medium that keeps food on their tables. At first, I felt the same way. But then I got to thinking: A lot of these guys, it’s been so long since they’ve had a woman willing to have sex with them that they’ve sort of subconsciously placed the concept on the same tier as Malaysian airplanes: Intellectually, they know they have to be out there. But finding them? Can’t be done. So yeah, I voted for her. I was trying to get us all laid.”

Our source continued: “I figured that if we all voted for her as a way to show our support for everything she says, even when the stuff she says is demonstrably false, there’s no way she wouldn’t fuck us all. I mean, okay, at the least, I’m thinking handjobs all around.”

Not everyone was on board with our source’s plan, though. One professional artist our source approached was disgusted with the idea of voting for a woman who has lifted other people’s work without credit or compensation for inclusion in a six-figure project. Explains our source, “There was this one dude, he was actually kind of down on the whole idea. He’s like, ‘Anita outright steals the work other people do and takes credit for it. How can you sleep at night after lobbying for her?’ and I’m like, ‘Dude, are you going to suck my dick?’ That shut him up pretty fast, though he’s not returning my calls anymore. Loser.”

But after the award was handed out onstage, something happened: Anita Sarkeesian left the venue without so much as watching a single game developer that had voted for her jerk off. Needless to say, there was outrage: “I’ve talked to the guys, we’re going to demand a recall. That’s what happens when a politician breaks his implied promises, and that’s what we’re going to do. In the end, the power of the people will overcome, because an injustice anywhere is an injustice everywhere, and my balls are dangerously full of injustice right now. Seriously, it hurts. I think I need a doctor.”

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